Musings of MatronEdea
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The Last Four Years

May 30th, 2017 | Posted by MatronEdea in Attitudes | Autobiography | Journal

I started watching Markiplier’s LP of Emily is Away and it inspired me to download AIM again. Because nostalgia. But AIM is broken now and it’s horrible and was a letdown.

However… In my single AIM conversation, I was reminded that I hadn’t updated this in years. Like, since I split up with Bryce. Our divorce was just finalized last week, so I guess this is a fantastic time to actually update this nonsense and write about what I’m doing with my life. It can be an update for non-facebook friends or whatever.

So.

I spent the last four years in a relationship with someone who wasn’t a good match for me. His name is Justin. I left Bryce for him because I felt like he was more genuine and kind (which, he is) but Justin has his own demons that I can’t help him with. I’m not depressed anymore, which is wonderful and I definitely recommend getting help to anyone who’s depressed. Life is much better when you don’t feel like a burden and such. I mean, one of my first AIM screen names was hitobashira. Hitobashira means human sacrifice.

So I was a very depressed weeaboo and thought that Squall from Final Fantasy was just a normal, well-adjusted adult with a beautiful face. I seriously had a huge crush on him and cosplayed as Rinoa because I wanted to marry Squallie poo for the few years I was in middle school.

However, I now realize he was a beautiful pixel man who had terrible communication skills and probably needed therapy for his abandonment issues and such. He’d be infuriating to date in real life. I know, because I’ve dated a few guys like that and it’s SO FRUSTRATING. I’m sure it’s a cultural thing but holy crap please learn to talk about things. The last four years has been filled with not knowing what was going on because I got zero contact for days at a time, so I’d assume the worst (as you do when you’re depressed… or anxious and insecure, I suppose) and react to that reality. It was really unhealthy. I was nowhere near perfect, but I think that I was definitely more like Rinoa than Squall in our situation.

But! Other things have happened.

I worked at Gamestop for awhile. I was an assistant manager, then an interim store manager, then an assistant manager at another store, then I quit. I started working for Playstation in May (Star Wars Day, actually) of 2015. It was wonderful and a ton of work – I had 78 stores that I was sort of an account manager for, where I did merchandising and maintenance for each store/Playstation demo unit and spent entirely too much time in Los Angeles traffic. I had pretty much every Gamestop, Best Buy, Walmart, Frys and Target within this strange purple shape that I just drew horribly using my iPad as a mousepad.

So it was a lot of work, but it was with some of the best people I’ve ever met and I am so grateful that I got that experience. I felt like I was part of a family immediately and got to travel some, learn more about LA, and spread Playstation love. My last week with Playstation was E3 last year, where I worked with Playstation VR and met several people I’ve looked up to for awhile. It was the best last week I could have had with them and I’m so happy I got to spend that time with them.

I transferred into Sony Electronics the next week, and it’s had a huge impact on my life. Through work, I’ve been able to visit San Jose, New York City, Phoenix, and San Diego. I moved back in with my family after I broke up with Justin and started my new position, paid off a lot of debt, finalized my divorce, and… got back together with Justin. This was probably a bad idea. I ended up going to therapy again, not because I was depressed or anything, but because I wanted to develop better coping skills and be sure that I was making logical decisions. I was. Therapy was great. Having my new job made it possible for me to take little trips more, too, so I was able to take more little trips, like to San Francisco with my cousin/best friend, Jada.

So, after Coachella this year (that’s another thing, we went to Coachella for the last four years), I broke up with Justin. I hadn’t moved back in with him or anything, but we had many reasons to break up and only a few to stay together, so… that’s that.

Since we broke up, I’ve been… doing a lot. I’ve always been an introvert, but Justin had never wanted me to go out and find my own friends (I didn’t start with many local friends since I moved to LA in 2011-2012ish) so I didn’t have much of a support network out here. I recently reactivated my facebook, reached out to a few people, was invited to a few events, and… things have been much better. My brothers and I just bought a condo together, so I have a new place to nest in and make memories in, and something to focus on while I get over our relationship. I’ve also been going to the beach a lot – I had only ever been to Venice and Santa Monica before; I didn’t want to go alone and Justin hated the beach. In the last month I’ve gone to five different beaches, made a lot of friends and reconnected with others. I also ate delicious vegan lasagna with someone I met six and a half years ago but have never really hung out with. It’s whatever.

 

So. Things are improving. I’m not depressed or codependent, have lots of coffee with one friend, movies with a few, have gotten closer to others, and I’m just… enjoying my friends. Which is weird for me, because I have always been such a serial monogamist, and now I’m learning to enjoy not having rules and such. I’ve made a lot of progress since I was with Bryce (especially getting that divorce finalized, wooo!) and since the last time I updated this blog, and I’ll try to update it more frequently now that I have more time to.

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