Musings of MatronEdea
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Ex-Boyfriend Nicknames

January 6th, 2012 | Posted by MatronEdea in Journal | Uncategorized

I have dated many guys in the last 10 years. Most of them I don’t count — I exclude everyone before high school for the most part — but in explaining my past to Bryce, I’ve discovered that I give my exes strange nicknames.

The first boyfriend I had was called Lemonhead.

Not really, I mean, that obviously wasn’t his name, but he had this hard-as-a-rock gelled, bleached hair. It was supposed to be blonde (keep in mind, this was just around the time when LFO was super popular) and ended up being this yellowish color, plastered to his head except for at the front, where it stuck up like a unicorn. Kind of like the guy on the left:

People called him Lemonhead. Lemonhead gave me my first kiss. We were on a trampoline in his back yard. I blushed. We went on a few dates

A year later, I dated Glow in the Dark Boy. He was pale.

We went on one date (my first date!) to see a movie at a budget theater. He glowed in the dark — like it was pitch black in the theater and I could still see him. He also wrote love letters to me every day, with illustrations. The illustrations were stick figure dogs having sex, or flies on poo, or dogs eating poo. So romantic.

He also tore some of the letters apart, or tore holes in them, just because.

After him, I dated his friend, Face Eating Boy.

We started dating because he really liked Star Ocean and I really liked Final Fantasy. When we started dating, I gave Face Eating Boy his first real kiss. He tried to eat my face. It was cute. He was also a lot taller than me, so I ended up having to stand on a log to reach his face. I was like, 5′ at that point. He was 6’4″ or so, which was really tall for a 13-year-old.

My next boyfriend was High School Dropout Boy

He dropped out of school to work out. When he would go back to school (after my nagging) he would cheat on me. I’ve blogged about him a few times. His main reasons for dropping out were that he wanted to work out more (because he wanted to be in WWE) and that he couldn’t stop cheating on me. Then he became a heroin addict.

10 days after I broke up with High School Dropout Boy, Skin Disease Boy came along. I was with him for a year before he cheated on me and left me. Fantastic. He had eczema in an in inconvenient place. It’s pretty much all that I remember him for. That and he was good at Eternal Darkness, and I was pissed that I didn’t get to see the end of it.

After that, I dated Headbutt Boy. 

I’ve written about him a few times. He was an asshole and he headbutted me within a couple weeks of us having a “relationship.” I thought it was strange that the first time a guy was trying to physically harm me, he used his forehead.

Then, in quick sequence after him, there was Super Sweet Guy, Wife-and-3-Year-Old-Daughter-that-I-Didn’t-Know-About-Guy, and Sweaty Guy, and now there’s Bryce. He won’t be getting an ex-boyfriend nickname. He’ll just go from fiance to husband.

It’s strange how the guys I’ve dated have had one or two things that I remember them for, and very few of them are positive. At least they had unique traits, I guess. It’s odd to realize that people who once meant so much are now just… you know,  yellow unicorns now.

Bryce only has one actual ex-girlfriend, so I don’t need a silly nickname to remember who she is (although I do have one, it’s Fatty who was a Bitch in New Zealand), but I’m now wondering… Do any of you remember your exes with a specific nickname or by one of their traits?

Let me know — I would love to see a few examples, too!

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