I spent all of today being incredibly productive. I’m not even being sarcastic. I did more today than I have in the past week.

After realizing yesterday that I won’t be able to register for the quickly filling courses I need next term until I pay for this term, I decided to take action. I wrote several essays and filled out nine pages of scholarship applications, plus another loan application, plus another 400 or so entries for monthly scholarship drawings.

I have a reason for my school not being paid for, by the way. I have been unable to find work since March. Granted, I didn’t look for two months (the month before I moved to California and the month before I left for Australia) because I knew that very few employers would want to hire someone who was going to be leaving immediately after being hired. There would be no point in using the time and resources to train me.

I couldn’t complete the FAFSA because I couldn’t get the information for my step dad, which was required, and according to the FAFSA I’m a dependent, regardless of my tax status. Since I could get no federal loans (due to there being no FAFSA on file for me), I applied for private loans in August and September, thinking that my mom would be willing to cosign for me again since she did last year. Private loans have much higher interest rates than federal loans do, though. Private loans go up to 20%. Mumsies wouldn’t cosign on a loan for me for the full cost of my tuition — $9000 a year or so — so I asked my dad. He wouldn’t either. I asked another close friend. She wouldn’t. Etc etc.

So… I started selling my things. I have paid for about $800 of this term so far, leaving me with $2300 that I have to pay Portland State University before I can register for next term, see my transcripts, etc. If I don’t pay in the next few days, chances are, I won’t be able to register for next term. Fantastico.

I freaking hate this, by the way.

I have never been more motivated to learn, to get my education and start my career, than I am now. I think Bryce is a big part of this — he has given me more of a path and helped me prioritize things and stay sane. I love him and appreciate him so much.

I still have probably 6 years of college left (I’m going to be getting my master’s after my BA) and feel like I should already be done. I’m happy that I paid for my first year out of pocket, but unhappy that it’s so hard to do things the lazy way.

I mean, I just want an education. It shouldn’t be this hard to get one. I should be able to say “Hey, I would really love to go to this school because ______________. I’ll pay you when I can. Here’s a contract. I will do everything I can to get out of here as quickly as possible so I can start paying you back and get my life started within a reasonable amount of time.” I mean, it’s something like that in Australia, so obviously it works for some.

Instead, I get “Hey, I would really love to go to this school. Thanks for accepting me. I’ll pay you when I find a loan and a cosigner or a few loans and a cosigner or a scholarship or a grant or a rich old man to marry or a job that pays decently. Like being a stripper. BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY JOB THAT PAYS DECENTLY WITHOUT A FREAKING DEGREE IN AMERICA.”

I might be (read: totally am) ranting here, but it does seem like every job I’ve seen that pays over $15/hour is sex related. I would rather keep my pride (the little pride that I have, at this point) and not do something I would feel horrible for. At the same time, I would almost be willing to because I’m so desperate to go to school and get my degree.

An education should not be this hard to get, especially when we were forced to go to school until we were 18. This is ridiculous. I cried because I couldn’t go to school then, today I cried because I can’t continue school.

So now, I wait. I’m going to be busy all day tomorrow, but I’ll probably find the time to apply for a few more scholarships and mope about not being able to get a degree soon or plan our wedding. Where the hell am I going to find $3000 for a dress when I can’t even find $2300 to finish this term? It makes so much more sense to elope and just have a ceremony when things are more stable monetarily.

Meh.

The great thing is, after this, I know that I probably won’t be able to find work anyway. It’s hopeless. Luckily, I’m a big fan of intelligence and love what I’m studying, so it’s easy to get good grades when I’m allowed to go to school.

The average elementary school student would be so excited to be in my situation.

Anyway, I need your assistance, whoever reads this. Do you have any advice on where I can apply for more scholarships or get some loans without a cosigner? Maybe a low priced, urban university on the west coast? I would really appreciate any advice you could spare. Really. I’m at my wits’ end and don’t know what my options are at this point, besides to drop out… which kind of makes me feel sick.

I just want to learn.